G.I. Joe : The Rise of Cobra

Welcome to another episode of The "D" List.

Today's review is G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Directed by Stephen Sommers. Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliot & Paul Lovett.

What's up fellow D - Listers. After a rather long hiatus I have returned. I know you all missed me so let's get right to it.

The summer of 2009 has produced some very entertaining films and for the most part they HAVE NOT been the summer blockbusters that were slated to reign supreme. Now you may question that last statement and may wish to point out how the "tentpole" pictures of the summer have done very well at the box office. That is a fact that I can't and will not argue but I never said that the summer's blockbusters weren't moneymakers. I said that they were not ENTERTAINING. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a summer blockbuster that like it's predecessors this year have made a ton of bank but fail to deliver an entertaining story.

For many of us G.I. Joe has been a part of our lives in some capacity. From the giant action figure with the ever popular kung fu grip. To the comic books. To the smaller Hasbro action figures that inspired the very popular cartoon series. For me it was the latter that I latched on to as a kid. I loved the cartoon because the characters were so diverse and over the top.

I mean how cool is it when you have an elite military unity that is comprised of characters named Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Roadblock, Heavy Duty, Quick Kick, Breaker, Snow Job, General Hawk and Ripcord taking on Cobra. The organization hell bent on world domination. They're characters were just as diverse and just as cool. Cobra Commander, Destro, The Baroness, Storm Shadow, Zartan, Tomax and Xamot. I could go all day but you get my point.

So when a live action film was planned and announced I saw 2 different views. I saw great potential to make a film with very rich and cool characters that recaptures the grand days of my youth. I also saw what has become a recent trend in hollywood. Which is a blatant disregard for a very popular genre that's tossed aside and re-imagined for the ADD generation and the ever important toy making market. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra has elements of both but in the grand scheme it just fails.

Why does this film fail? It begins with the cast.

As I just mentioned. G.I. Joe contained some of the craziest and coolest characters to grace comic book pages and TV screens. If you are going to accept the daunting task of making a film that is surrounded by dozens of complex and needless to say popular characters you HAVE TO GET THE CASTING RIGHT!!!!! That is not an opinion it's a FACT!!!! They got it wrong. Now the same can be said about every film that gets made but some exceptions do occur. Does anyone remember when it was announced that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker or Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark? They were both questioned heavily by Hollywood and fellow geeks like myself and I like everyone else was glad to be proven wrong.

In this case the questionable choices of casting not only missed the mark. They amplified my increasing uneasiness that I had when I heard that these people were going to play these specific parts. The parts I'm referring to are Duke, Ripcord, Heavy Duty, Destro and Cobra Commander. These were pretty much the dominating characters of the film and they got the casting all wrong on each and every one of them.

Duke is played by Channing Tatum known to many from the Step Up movie. He was also in Fighting. He has a look and some physical prowess but that's about it. He doesn't look like Duke and for sure doesn't act like him. Duke was a leader and Tatum doesn't inspire leadership at any point.

Heavy Duty is played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. He's been in countless films and most recently played Mr. Eko on Lost. An interesting trivia nugget about Adewale is that he's from England and has a very distinct british accent despite his african name and the many characters he plays that are of african descent. In the film he speaks with his british accent. It just didn't sound right and doesn't fit a character named Heavy Duty .

Destro is played by Christopher Eccleston. His character's story line is the focal point of the entire film and that's what made me unhappy about it. For Joe fans everywhere, Destro is defined by 1 thing and 1 thing only. His silver mask. Where was it? You don't see it until the very end and by that time it wasn't a cool revealing moment.

Cobra Commander is played by Joseph Gordon Leavitt. In fact to call him Cobra Commander would be inaccurate. The character misses some VERY important aspects that make Cobra Commander so memorable. The 1st was his costume or what was missing from it. Cobra Commander from the comics and cartoon was fashioned with a hood mask and/or a blue helmet with a silver shield that covered his entire face. Neither of those headgear options were present. Another important characteristic that wasn't in his character was the way he talked. Cobra Commander spoke with a very intentional hiss. Every word spoken with and "S" was either amplified or drawn out to sound as if a snake was talking. That was a cool part of the character that would have been fun to see live on film and they just abandoned it. WEAK!!!!!!!

Finally

Ripcord is played by Marlon Wayans. Yup you read correctly. A Wayans brother invaded a G.I. Joe film. To his credit he tried his best to play this role with some severity and conviction. But in the end he is still now and will forever be a Wayans. And it was impossible for me to take him seriously in an action movie playing a member of an elite military unit.

These poor casting choices just added to a story that just didn't work for me. The plot basically takes us into the creation of the Cobra organization and G.I. Joe trying to stop them. That was basically the plot of each cartoon every week. Cobra tried to take over the world and the Joe's would stop them. What this film did was incorporate some of the cheesy-ness that the cartoon had and that made it hard to take the movie seriously. There was a ton of laughable dialogue (and I don't mean laughable in a funny way) and the plot seemed to go in quite a few different directions that just interrupted what started out as a nice flow.

There were some things to like about G.I. Joe. There were some pretty impressive action pieces particularly the chase in paris. We've all seen it in the trailers and TV spots with Duke and Ripcord running in those metal suits. A quick word on those suits. When 1st introduced I immediately thought, "What a stupid move." There is no reason to hide the Joe's abilities or lack there of by putting them in suits that increase their physical attributes. What made G.I. Joe so special was that these people were human an flawed. If one guy couldn't fly there was one that could. They were a team. Each an individual with specific talents that when put together made a cohesive unit. The addition of these suits leveled the playing field which took away my memories of these characters. That is until this scene.

It was the highlight of the film for several reasons. 1st was Cobra's disregard for human life. They drive around paris just plowing through everything and everyone that got in their way. That was a good thing too see with respect to how Cobra was and is supposed to be. They are terrorists. Collateral damage is not a negative for them, it's a bonus. 2nd was the Joe's pursuit. It was well paced with tons of carnage that made me forget that they were wearing those dorky looking suits.

Another thing to like was Snake Eyes. He is probably one of the most popular characters in the Joe's universe. Next to his brother Storm Shadow of course. Snake Eyes is a ninja that doesn't speak and they did the right thing by casting a martial artist to play the part. That martial artist was Ray Park he played Darth Maul in Star Wars Episode 1. He was the only watch-able element of that film. He has a background in many martial arts mainly Wu Shu and Goju Ryu Karate which can pass for Ninjitsu. Since Snake Eyes has no dialogue all he needs to do is kick ass and look cool. Which he does with one tiny hiccup. His mask has lips. Why would you give a character a mask with lips when he will NEVER speak. It was so distracting to see a close up of him and those lips on his mask knowing he was not going to utter a single syllable.

These were the little things that frustrated me so much about this film. They get 90% of a character or the story right but that last 10% is so off that it just shakes up the balance and disappoints. There was a good movie in there it was just buried under too much noise.

Another failed attempt to bring a genre that's adored by millions to life.

On the 5 star scale G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra gets 2 stars and a "Netflix It/Give it a shot" recommendation. I kind of doubled up on the recommendation because this one was hard for me to place. I disliked more than I liked but it wasn't as bad as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

That's all for today. I will return soon with a vengeance. Here's what's on tap in no particular order.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
District 9 (looking forward to this one)
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

Until Next Episode....."I'll Save You A Seat!"

"D"